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WHY THINKING ABOUT BREAKUPS/DIVORCE: RESCUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP. By – Sharon Ejika

Times are tough. Your relationship is in the emergency room and the last rites are being read. The person you fell in love with has changed and things aren’t working well. Then, it is time for drastic interventions.

Divorce has few victors. Children suffer. Everyone, almost invariably, loses one thing or the other. There may be exceptions to this but if you can consider avoiding divorce in your life, please do it.

This is about the moment when your partner is on the brink of being out of the door or is at the point of running you out and doing what you do not want.

If you do not want your relationship to end it is likely you grieve in silence, get hurt and sad. Your partner may be working towards quick separation. Slow the process down, if you can.

People who want to end a relationship abruptly are almost always out of the resilient zone. They are feeling agitated and usually ascribing the reason they feel this way to your insanity. Usually they are in the flight mode…unable to respond to most normal commands. Alternatively, they are absent minded and attributing the reason for feeling deadened to you.

As hard as it is to think about their perspective at this time, it is important to realise that there is often just as much pain in you as in the person wanting to leave . This can be hard to believe, especially if there have been cases of infidelity, and they will often put on the appearance that they are determined to get rid of you. In the dark recesses of their mind, occasionally, a shred of doubt will always linger.

We are going to use that shred of doubt to increase your chances of not getting divorced.

The first thing to know is that the person you hope will care for you and love you is not able to do that for you at the the moment. Even if they dont show it, they are going through their own turmoil and pain. Most likely they are concealing this and instead directing their anger and blame towards you. Stomach your pain, talk less and be more positive in everything that you do.

If you really dont want to separate and divorce, you need to think clearly and be strategic. This means you may need a lot of support from friends and family as you process your feelings.

Avoid telling lies, begging or pleading to please your partner. Make sure that the people you confide in, do not make emotional submissions on your behalf.

There is a part of you that is probably been hurt like hell. There is probably another part that is furious. The fragile part of you that is in pain wants to cling on. However, if you chase your partner, they will feel suffocated or hunted and shift to the agitated zone. They will begin to feel trapped and that everything has to happen quickly. Needing to cope with this will switch them into the avoidant zone. It is time to stop giving your partner reasons to leave you.

This is going to be very hard, but dont be put off by the challenge. It may be the best thing you ever do.

Stop discussing the relationship with everyone who ask question about it.

Trying to reason with or persuade a partner who wants to end a relationship rarely works. It is never just a matter of convincing the other person. You may be distressed and upset. They are also likely to be confused, reactive and defensive. This situation involves a powerful cocktail of emotions.

Stop anything that your partner might view as trying to keep them involved. This means stopping: frequent phone calls, texts or emails; love messages of any kind; begging, pleading; describing all the good times in your relationship; following your partner around; encouraging talk about the future; asking for reassurances; buying them gifts or flowers; planning holidays or trips away together; trying to schedule dates together; the surveillance program – no spying on them, no checking their phones or computers or their arrangements, it adds additional salt to the injury that you are working on.

Stop saying I love . Every time you say I love you, you might be reminding your partner that they might not love you as you do.

Get a life, as shattered as you likely are, get a life. While this is a really big task, you do need to act as if you are moving forward with your life. Otherwise, you might as well give in and submit to divorce or breakup.

I expect you are asking yourself, How can I do this when I feel like crap? I can hardly function, it’s a miracle getting out of bed each day, and things are horrible at home.

Start to treat yourself better. Start doing things that are out of character compared with the way you have been acting lately. Move gently beyond helplessness into action and get going with all the possibilities of not allowing breakups to happen except it becomes life threatening issue.

Every member of the family suffer deeply from divorce/breakup. It should be the very last menu to surface when there aren’t any other option available.

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